La Jeune Fille

Everyone's entitled to closure... Am I right?

Shouldn't we, when a relationship ends (whether it be romance or friendship), have closure to the relationship? A way to understand WHY it's ending? Instead of being left out of the decision making process?

It only seems fair.

Same goes for many other decisions in life.

You don't go around in life allowing others to make decisions for you, while leaving you completely out of the process do you? You're entitled to have your own opinion. Make up your own mind about it, and even if it's out of your control, at least you were there while the decision was made, rationalized, and concluded. There to be a witness, thus giving you closure.

Oh how I wish for some sort of closure.

... In more ways than one... I'm in the dark.


Ugh. I can't sleep. When I want it most, my thoughts are keeping me awake.

I want to shut them out. To just close my eyes and not think... Thinking hurts too much.

It's causing this empty hallow feeling in my chest and it's making me sick to sound so melodramatic, but it's true.

How ironic that I feel so low now even though my day wasn't bad. In fact, God blessed me in more ways than one. One being, it snowed. In Yucaipa. My whole life (well, the part I've spent living in Yucaipa which is the majority) it's never snowed in Yucaipa. And on the eve of the Christmas performancing I've been directing, it snows. It was like a little gift waiting for me when I left church tonight. My car was covered in it, covered isn't the right word... My car was enclosed in perfect, white snow.

I had to scrape it off all my windows.

Now that I think about it, that was the moment that sent me down the path that I'm now on. It made me think of her.

My best friend. Or should I say ex? Hmm... She was more like a sister, a kindred spirit. Or at least to me, our relationship was like that.

I know in an earlier blog I said I was moving on... But apparently it's harder to do than say. Most days I can deal with it. But it's days like today where I want to pick up the phone and tell her "Oh my God!!! It's SNOWING! It's so awesome!" and get the same enthusiasm back, that makes not having her around so painful.

What makes it worse is I don't know what I did to make her stop talking to me. Unlike me, she holds things in, when she's mad at someone she wont go to them and say so. She'll avoid them.

I'm a talker, I don't yell... because seriously, where does that get you?

I want to tell you why you hurt me so that you know.

I don't get how holding it all in works either.

I keep replaying the last few conversations I had with her before it all stopped. There was no warning. It just stopped. I stopped trying, to put it more accurately. Maybe that was the problem. I was working to hard at the relationship in the end and she wasn't. Maybe she saw the end before I did. Expected it and so it didn't hurt her when it came. I must've been so distracted looking up into the sky to see the wall before I slammed into it...

That's right.

I'm moving on. And I think it's about time I did.

Not to sound melodramatic or even cavalier in manner... But actually, let me update you so you know what I'm talking about... So we'll go back in time about four years.

To when I first met my best friend, and when I mean best friend I mean the mother of best friends, two peas in a pod, the Thelma to my Lucy, if she was a MAN I would've married her.

Not to say our relationship was perfect.

In the beginning she was a little apprehensive to be my friend, or anyone's for that matter. She was always stand-offish, a little cold, and introverted. Eventually, she became less so, after hanging out with me. I, quite frankly, wear my freakin' heart on my shoulder. Gets me in more trouble than it's worth. But that's where it'll stay. I am who I am. And now I know, she is who she is.

I always felt like I had to do more of the work than normal. I was the one who called her, who made plans, who initiated things. Before now, I didn't realize that I was doing it. In my group of friends I normally am the one who does the planning, who gets everyone together, who's the hostess. So this position came/s naturally to me. But about four months ago she got a boyfriend, her first.

In the beginning we disagreed on her relationship with him. We're both religious (in the beginning of our friendship, her more so than I). We believe in God, that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and that He is our Savior. We each have our own relationship with Him and our ways of celebrating that have always been slightly different. (I'm Catholic and she's Christian.) I've never gripped about the differences and she's never reluctant to point them out.

Our disagreements over her relationship put a wedge in ours. A wedge that's slowly grown, until we were so far apart I don't think we could hear what the other was saying. Lately, we haven't had a relationship at all. We used to speak every other day, hang out multiple times a week, work out together, take trips to the beach together, pig out on junk food together. It quickly flipped to once every other week, all the while she would talk to me about all the things she was doing with him. I knew there was going to be SOME adjustment, but to loose my BEST friend completely??? It was HARD. I had to adjust to having someone there to talk to, to confide in, to bounce my ideas off of, to vent at, to no one.

And now, I haven't heard from her in weeks. The last time I heard from her was two days before she was supposed to go to see Wicked with me and our other friends. She text me that Thursday morning saying, "Hey- decided not to go to wicked. Not really felling it. Sorry. Can the ticket be refunded?"

What kind of friend does that??? Two days before we're supposed to go? And after how she'd just disappeared. The week before we were supposed to hang out, she forgot, twice, in one day. That should've been a red flag.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm moving on.