La Jeune Fille

Sometimes... I feel like I have a multiple personality disorder.

Seriously.

Unlike some people (who've since birth known exactly what they want to do), I have no flippin' idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I'm 25 years old and I. HAVE. NO. IDEA.

OR rather, I have many ideas.

Whoever said more options is better than none is full of it.

When I was little, all I could think about being was a teacher. They were the ones with all the power... besides parents. They say, you obey. Plus, they got to mark up papers with colorful fancy pens. I even played pretend school with some of the kids in my neighborhood.

In high school, I was less sure what I wanted. I just knew, like I've always known, that the one thing I want most is to be happy. Plain and simple.

In college my major started out as Liberal Studies, logically, because that's what I always thought I wanted to be. Then I started doubting myself. I hate that word. Doubt. Ugh. Anyway, I ended up changing my major to business. I loved my classes, got great grades, blah, blah, blah. One problem. I didn't have any clue as to what I'd do with my degree once I was done. I just knew I didn't want to be stuck managing some retail store. Not me. I can't handle people when they're yelling in my face complaining about something so minuscule and unimportant. I'd slap them in the face and then quit.

Then, as graduation became more visible on the horizon I knew I needed to get my butt in gear. That's when my current job "fell" into my lap. I took it and have been there ever since. In the beginning I thought it could potentially be a job that I'd do for the rest of my life. To be an appraiser in this specialized field.

But I was wrong.

The actual job I do now, I like it, and on some days I'd say I even love it. But the income potential is null unless I take more classes and become certified. Which is not what I want to do.

I feel like I've hit the glass ceiling and I'm going no where and my life is slowly pressing me harder and harder into that ceiling until either I or the ceiling breaks.

When it comes to this, to my future, I've never been one to settle. Now wont be any different.

Now I just need to figure out what my next step will be. Currently, I've taken an interest in Urban and Regional Planning... I took a class in it through an extension program at a college near me. I enjoyed it and am now volunteering twice a month in the planning department for the city... Well, I've only gone once so far. But I know that doing this (even though I'm not getting paid) will help me answer my next question: Is this what I want to do?

But while I'm waiting to answer my own question I can't help but think of other options...

Go to a culinary arts school ? Do photography? Work on a cruise ship and travel? Teach English in a foreign country? Manage of some retail store and make more money but be miserable? Become a sub-teacher while I wait out our crummy economy? Stay where I'm at and continue to be dirt poor? Go back to school? And for what? Become a teacher, urban planner, or for my MBA? Can I even afford to go back to school?

The problem is in deciding, not in doing. I've proven it to myself that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. (see:5k marathon blogs)

Now all I have to do is decide. Sounds so simple.

That's right.

I'm moving on. And I think it's about time I did.

Not to sound melodramatic or even cavalier in manner... But actually, let me update you so you know what I'm talking about... So we'll go back in time about four years.

To when I first met my best friend, and when I mean best friend I mean the mother of best friends, two peas in a pod, the Thelma to my Lucy, if she was a MAN I would've married her.

Not to say our relationship was perfect.

In the beginning she was a little apprehensive to be my friend, or anyone's for that matter. She was always stand-offish, a little cold, and introverted. Eventually, she became less so, after hanging out with me. I, quite frankly, wear my freakin' heart on my shoulder. Gets me in more trouble than it's worth. But that's where it'll stay. I am who I am. And now I know, she is who she is.

I always felt like I had to do more of the work than normal. I was the one who called her, who made plans, who initiated things. Before now, I didn't realize that I was doing it. In my group of friends I normally am the one who does the planning, who gets everyone together, who's the hostess. So this position came/s naturally to me. But about four months ago she got a boyfriend, her first.

In the beginning we disagreed on her relationship with him. We're both religious (in the beginning of our friendship, her more so than I). We believe in God, that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, and that He is our Savior. We each have our own relationship with Him and our ways of celebrating that have always been slightly different. (I'm Catholic and she's Christian.) I've never gripped about the differences and she's never reluctant to point them out.

Our disagreements over her relationship put a wedge in ours. A wedge that's slowly grown, until we were so far apart I don't think we could hear what the other was saying. Lately, we haven't had a relationship at all. We used to speak every other day, hang out multiple times a week, work out together, take trips to the beach together, pig out on junk food together. It quickly flipped to once every other week, all the while she would talk to me about all the things she was doing with him. I knew there was going to be SOME adjustment, but to loose my BEST friend completely??? It was HARD. I had to adjust to having someone there to talk to, to confide in, to bounce my ideas off of, to vent at, to no one.

And now, I haven't heard from her in weeks. The last time I heard from her was two days before she was supposed to go to see Wicked with me and our other friends. She text me that Thursday morning saying, "Hey- decided not to go to wicked. Not really felling it. Sorry. Can the ticket be refunded?"

What kind of friend does that??? Two days before we're supposed to go? And after how she'd just disappeared. The week before we were supposed to hang out, she forgot, twice, in one day. That should've been a red flag.

Anyway, I'm done. I'm moving on.