Nov 27, 2007
Do you ever feel like your making the wrong choices for your life? I do. Every day a part of me screams in the back of my mind, demanding whether or not I'm making the right decision for my future. I'm barely past 24 and I'm already stressing so much over this that I can't sleep at night. Is that normal? Am I supposed to be so stressed out about making mistakes this early in my life? I think I finally learned something new about myself. I always thought I knew my biggest fear. But I've been wrong this whole time. My biggest fear is regret. I don't want, years from now, to regret decisions I've made today. But how do I know which ones to make? I know I'm supposed to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" (ROM 12:12) but I'm human. It's so hard for me to give it up to God, it's so hard for me to let Him work through me to take me to where I need to be. I'm scared. I'm scared to death and it's eating at me. I WANT to believe that everything is going to be okay, that when the time comes God will reveal His purpose for me. Most days I can handle this, I give it all up to God, but other days I yank it back and coddle it close to my chest. My whole life I've grown up learning from my role models what not to do in life, what mistakes to avoid. Who's going to set an example of what TO do? When's that going to happen? I've witnessed in my life so many things that I know to avoid that I could make a novel out of it, but where's my GOOD example, where's my example of where perseverance and hard work have come in to play and turned out for the better? Where's my example of waiting and being patient for what God has planned for you to come about. What if I worry so much about waiting for a sign from God that I miss it? How am I supposed to know that something TRULY is a sign from God and not something I'm reading too much into? How do I know that something I'm sure isn't right for me truly isn't right? How do I know whether or not I'm making sense or just babbling out of sheer frustration and angst from not knowing what is to come. I wish I could have just one glimpse, no. I don't even need a glimpse, I just want some sort of acknowledgment that I'm on the right path, that I'm on the path the Lord wants me to be on, that He's actually proud of where I've taken myself. I feel like all this work I did through school has brought me to nothing, have I worked so hard in school to actually start at the bottom of the rung? Why do I have this panic sort of feeling in the pit of my stomach when I talk to a friend who works somewhere where I was so set on working only 6 months ago. Today I'm so sure that I don't want to be working there yet I feel afraid. Afraid that I've made the wrong choice for myself. I feel so lost.
