La Jeune Fille

Everyone's entitled to closure... Am I right?

Shouldn't we, when a relationship ends (whether it be romance or friendship), have closure to the relationship? A way to understand WHY it's ending? Instead of being left out of the decision making process?

It only seems fair.

Same goes for many other decisions in life.

You don't go around in life allowing others to make decisions for you, while leaving you completely out of the process do you? You're entitled to have your own opinion. Make up your own mind about it, and even if it's out of your control, at least you were there while the decision was made, rationalized, and concluded. There to be a witness, thus giving you closure.

Oh how I wish for some sort of closure.

So I'm watching TV on mute, (sometimes I like it quiet) and a Dolce Gabbana commercial came on... And in an attempt to promote their product and how desirable it is, they show a couple racing through an airport heading towards security with a bag full of D & G product (watches, necklaces, etc), before they get to the x-ray area they put all the product on their bodies. They try to walk through the x-ray machine but because they're wearing so much jewelry they are forced to walk through again but before they do they take off their pants... I dont get it... Why would you take off your pants???

Like that makes you look like any less of a loser because you have great legs?

Dude, you're busted... Don't get caught with your pants down. Especially when the cops throw on the handcuffs.

Stupid commercial.

If you haven't seen it, click here.

is snow.

Hmm... And maybe a pair of Uggs to keep my toes warm when I'm out playing in the snow.



I want them so badly... but definitely not as much as world peace.

And maybe for my Twilight Series box set to come soon... I ordered it on Amazon the day after I read the first book... And it wont come until after Christmas... I know, I know... It's taboo to buy yourself stuff right before Christmas but really... No one knew I'd want it, and it was on sale... A really good sale. The kind of sale that is really a sign from God telling you to get it.

Ok, maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself but it was half off. What more could I expect?



So now I'm waiting (not so) patiently for it to come... I know it wont be here til after the 25th but I keep looking on my front porch just in case... Maybe the delivery fairy felt pitty for me and decided to bring it early. Or the Amazon people wanted to trick me into thinking it wont come until way later (when I'd ordered it on TWO DAY shipping) just to have it come early as a little thank you to me for my business...

It happens...

Anywho, a girl can dream, right?

But seriously, all this crap is temporary. In a few years the books will have been given away for someone else to enjoy and the Uggs will have a hole in them or otherwise become so obsolete that I throw them away... So I guess what I'm saying is that what I really want for Christmas are good memories.

I feel guilty about my last blog... It made me sound like a Negative Nancy, and I'm not. At all.

So to rectify the situation I'm going to tell you something happy.

For the past month and a half I've been working every Sunday after church with about 30 kids in preparation for a Christmas play. Which happened tonight. I didn't think it was going to go as smoothly as it did. I was pleasantly surprised.

I think the parents were too. We had so much to do and in such a little time that we were doing it by the skin of our teeth. I think what helped really was the practice play we did the night before for a bunch of CCD kids. It was... entertaining. We didn't have Mike, our music guy there... So the kids had to sing a Capella. And well, sing we'd only practiced the songs 3 times, an hour each, it was a little difficult. But we laughed through it and made it to the end without complete fools of ourselves.

Tonight, however, we had all the bells and whistles we didn't have last night. We had the music, a spot light, and a crowd of adults.

It was big.

And we pulled it off so well. Everyone clapped after each song was sung, they laughed when one of the little kids didn't know what they were doing on stage, and there was a standing ovation after wards...

All in all, the hard work and stress was worth giving these parents this gift.

... In more ways than one... I'm in the dark.


Ugh. I can't sleep. When I want it most, my thoughts are keeping me awake.

I want to shut them out. To just close my eyes and not think... Thinking hurts too much.

It's causing this empty hallow feeling in my chest and it's making me sick to sound so melodramatic, but it's true.

How ironic that I feel so low now even though my day wasn't bad. In fact, God blessed me in more ways than one. One being, it snowed. In Yucaipa. My whole life (well, the part I've spent living in Yucaipa which is the majority) it's never snowed in Yucaipa. And on the eve of the Christmas performancing I've been directing, it snows. It was like a little gift waiting for me when I left church tonight. My car was covered in it, covered isn't the right word... My car was enclosed in perfect, white snow.

I had to scrape it off all my windows.

Now that I think about it, that was the moment that sent me down the path that I'm now on. It made me think of her.

My best friend. Or should I say ex? Hmm... She was more like a sister, a kindred spirit. Or at least to me, our relationship was like that.

I know in an earlier blog I said I was moving on... But apparently it's harder to do than say. Most days I can deal with it. But it's days like today where I want to pick up the phone and tell her "Oh my God!!! It's SNOWING! It's so awesome!" and get the same enthusiasm back, that makes not having her around so painful.

What makes it worse is I don't know what I did to make her stop talking to me. Unlike me, she holds things in, when she's mad at someone she wont go to them and say so. She'll avoid them.

I'm a talker, I don't yell... because seriously, where does that get you?

I want to tell you why you hurt me so that you know.

I don't get how holding it all in works either.

I keep replaying the last few conversations I had with her before it all stopped. There was no warning. It just stopped. I stopped trying, to put it more accurately. Maybe that was the problem. I was working to hard at the relationship in the end and she wasn't. Maybe she saw the end before I did. Expected it and so it didn't hurt her when it came. I must've been so distracted looking up into the sky to see the wall before I slammed into it...

I ran TWO miles Thursday!!! I'm so excited!!! I can't believe I did it!!! I've NEVER run two miles before! It's exciting... Reaching this small goal has made me realize I can achieve my main goal... THREE miles!!! I can do it!!!

Okay... I gotta get to bed so I can get up early and run!

Ok... I have a confession to make... I read the first book in a day...

Saturday night I got home late and despite my exhaustion forced myself to read the first chapter... I wanted to read more but my eyes kept closing on me.

(You know when you're hooked when you continue to read with only one eye open)

The following morning in the wee hours my sweet little dog woke me up to be taken outside to use the bathroom... At 3.40 in the morning...

Thanks Chestnut...

Again, despite the fact that I could easily fall back asleep I picked up the book and started reading... Bad idea...

I didn't go back to sleep. Instead I stayed awake and read until I had to get up and get ready for church. I read almost 300 pages before church. Surprisingly I got ready pretty quickly and left.

I didn't get back home until the evening, but the moment I got there I immediately picked the book back up and continued to read... I read on the couch, at the gym, and in the kitchen while I was making dinner... I would have read while showering but my friend would've killed me for getting her book wet.

Suffice it to say, I finished the book at 11pm.

After having less than 5 hours of sleep the night before, I had no trouble drifting off to sleep...

Now if only had Edward been there to HUM me to sleep...

I can't understand why people like to ruin things for others... It baffles me...

For example. Those people who (when at a fast food place) ask for a cup for water and then fill it with soda... Pretty soon all the fast food places will be charging for a cup for water to counter balance the cost of the people who cheat and take soda.

They ruin it for us.

(Thanks a lot)

The point I'm trying to make is that people have now ruined the book Stephenie Meyer was writing as companion to Twilight, same story but written from Edwards point of view, called Midnight Sun. Apparently before it was finished, it was illegally leaked onto the internet for mass distribution essentially ruining the story... AND now it's on hold...


Indefinitely.


A HUGE part of me is dying to know what's inside Edwards head, not only does Midnight Sun give an insight into his reasons for his actions and his emotions, it also gives us an answer to what he does when not with Bella... Very intriguing...



Just look at that face... Who wouldn't want to know his thoughts???


(Fortunately to make me feel less guilty... Stephenie posted it on her website after it was out... I feel saddened by this betrayal of her trust and hope she can overcome it some day to finish this book... I know it'll be good)

You can find a PDF copy here.

If you're curious as to what Stephenie had to say about it you can click here to read about it.

Now, while I don't condone what this person did, I can't keep my curiosity at bay...

After all, I'm only human.

I'm going to see Twilight!!!

FINALLY!!!

I've been waiting for the crowd to disperse so that I can fully enjoy the movie on the big screen... Now it's me and Edward Cullen time...

I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm an independent contractor which pretty much means I'm self employed but I'm lucky...

I consistently work for one company (and as in company, I mean one person).

(Thank the Lord I have work, cuz the economy SUCKS right now!)

Anyway... We had a meeting down at the Laguna Beach office today and being the only girl was... interesting.

Being the only girl there I got to see men in their element and how they work with each other...

Men can piss each other off and then ten minutes later be cool... I dont know about other women but it takes me a little while to cool off, not forever, but not ten minutes either!

The main company I work with has three principles, and all three are working on this rush job (that btw needs to be finished by December 6... can we say "Screwed"?) But since we're not even CLOSE to being finished and they have a meeting with the clients tomorrow tempers are short, everyone's doped up on caffeine and we're all a little sleep deprived which makes for a bad mixture.

And on top of all of this, two of the men in the meeting are used to being the lead on their jobs, put two together and heads are going to butt...

Here's how it went down...

Alpha Male 1: Is M working on the cash flow charts?

Minion: I gave him the cash flow chart.

Alpha Male 1: (irritation already in his voice) That's not what I asked.

Alpha Male 2: (entering the office) What did you ask???

Alpha Male 1: (huffs) Is M working on the cash flow charts?

Alpha Male 2: We gave M the cash flow charts. (with a lil'tude) I don't know if he's typing on his little keyboard at this very moment...

Alpha Male 1: (irritated, said more as a demand less as a question) Well, can't you find out?

Alpha Male 2: (annoyed) Alpha Male 1, your phone is right next to you, just call down to him and find out yourself.

Alpha Male 1: (Turning away from Alpha Male 2, towards his computer) That is not what I asked, just find out if M's working on it. It needs to be done now. (Even though it was only given to M ten minutes before)

Alpha Male 2: I don't understand how you need to ask someone else to call down to M, when YOUR phone is sitting on the desk right next to you.

Alpha Male 1: (Back still to Alpha Male 2) Just find out.

Alpha Male 2: (Flexes jaw, flips off Alpha Male 1 to his back and walks out of the office... to go call M)

Guess there can only be one alpha male.