La Jeune Fille

... In more ways than one... I'm in the dark.


Ugh. I can't sleep. When I want it most, my thoughts are keeping me awake.

I want to shut them out. To just close my eyes and not think... Thinking hurts too much.

It's causing this empty hallow feeling in my chest and it's making me sick to sound so melodramatic, but it's true.

How ironic that I feel so low now even though my day wasn't bad. In fact, God blessed me in more ways than one. One being, it snowed. In Yucaipa. My whole life (well, the part I've spent living in Yucaipa which is the majority) it's never snowed in Yucaipa. And on the eve of the Christmas performancing I've been directing, it snows. It was like a little gift waiting for me when I left church tonight. My car was covered in it, covered isn't the right word... My car was enclosed in perfect, white snow.

I had to scrape it off all my windows.

Now that I think about it, that was the moment that sent me down the path that I'm now on. It made me think of her.

My best friend. Or should I say ex? Hmm... She was more like a sister, a kindred spirit. Or at least to me, our relationship was like that.

I know in an earlier blog I said I was moving on... But apparently it's harder to do than say. Most days I can deal with it. But it's days like today where I want to pick up the phone and tell her "Oh my God!!! It's SNOWING! It's so awesome!" and get the same enthusiasm back, that makes not having her around so painful.

What makes it worse is I don't know what I did to make her stop talking to me. Unlike me, she holds things in, when she's mad at someone she wont go to them and say so. She'll avoid them.

I'm a talker, I don't yell... because seriously, where does that get you?

I want to tell you why you hurt me so that you know.

I don't get how holding it all in works either.

I keep replaying the last few conversations I had with her before it all stopped. There was no warning. It just stopped. I stopped trying, to put it more accurately. Maybe that was the problem. I was working to hard at the relationship in the end and she wasn't. Maybe she saw the end before I did. Expected it and so it didn't hurt her when it came. I must've been so distracted looking up into the sky to see the wall before I slammed into it...